The Most Powerful Tool You Already Have.

Blog series 1-4

Part 1: What Parents Notice that Others May Miss

A child is never just what happens in a classroom, during an evaluation, or on a worksheet.

Parents see the full range of experiences, the easy moments, the hard moments, the times their child surprises them, and the times they need more support.

What You Will Learn

• Why your child's abilities may look different in different places

• Why your everyday observations matter

• How to separate what happened from what you think it means

• How to use curiosity to better understand your child

• A simple way to start noticing without adding another task to your already full life

Your Child Is Not the Same Everywhere: None of Us Are

One of the most important things to understand about children is this: The version of your child they see at school is not the same version you see at home.

And neither one is the "real" child. They are both real.

Have you ever heard someone say:

"Your child can do this..."

and thought:

"I don't see that at home."

Or:

"Everyone says my child is making progress, but what does that mean exactly?”

You are not alone.

Children are not the same everywhere they go, no one is. The way your child learns, communicates, solves problems, and handles challenges can look different depending on the setting, the people around them, and what is being asked of them.

A child may:

• participate easily in a classroom but struggle with the same task after a long day at home

• follow directions from a teacher but need reminders from a parent or vice versa

• complete a worksheet but struggle to use that same skill during everyday activities

• communicate clearly in a quiet setting but have difficulty finding words when frustrated

This does not mean anyone is wrong. It means children are affected by their environment.

A quiet classroom with a familiar routine is different from a busy kitchen during dinner. A one-on-one conversation is different from a crowded family gathering. A rested child in the morning may have different abilities than the same child after a full day of school.

School Sees One Part of the Picture. Parents See the Whole Child.

Teachers, therapists, and other professionals see important pieces of your child's life.

They see:

• classroom activities

• learning tasks

• routines

• interactions with peers

• how your child responds in that setting

Parents see things others often cannot:

• mornings before school

• homework after a long day

• grocery stores

• restaurants

• siblings

• bedtime routines

• unexpected situations

No one person sees everything. That is why your observations matter. Not because you are expected to be the teacher or therapist but because you are NOT.

You know your child across many different moments at many different times. You see the aspects like sleep, eating and elimination that are outside of the primary scope of school, but which are vital for how anyone is feeling on a given day. You may be the “safe space” where your child can let down the mask and feel the full range of emotions. They may express their true selves with you in ways they cannot at school or with peers.

What Does "Can Do It" Really Mean?

School may report that "Your child can write their name."

That sounds simple. But there are many questions hidden inside that statement.

Can your child:

• copy their name when it is in front of them?

• write it from memory?

• write it without reminders?

• write it when they are tired?

• write it outside of school?

Our goal is not to question whether the child can do it. Our goal is to understand what "can do it" looks like.

The same is true for reading, communication, independence, social skills, and everyday routines. Understanding the details helps everyone better support the child. Learning how to observe and which questions to ask is a vital tool many parents overlook when advocating for their child.

Moving From Frustration to Curiosity

We care deeply about our children, and their struggles become our struggles. That means when something is hard, our emotions often arrive quickly.

You might think:

"She just won't do it."

"He knows this already."

"She is not trying."

"He can't do this."

Those thoughts are understandable. They come from wanting your child to succeed.

But there is another question we can add:

"What actually happened?"

Not:

"Why is my child doing this?"

Not:

"What does this mean about my child? What did I actually see?"

Gain Perspective: Try the Camera View

Imagine a camera recorded the moment. The camera does not know your child. It does not know their intentions. It does not know if they are tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, or avoiding something. It only shows what happened.

Your first thought:

"She refused to do her homework."

A camera view:

"She looked at the worksheet, completed one problem, pushed the paper away, put her head down, and did not pick up her pencil for five minutes."

Your first thought:

"He is not listening."

A camera view:

"I asked him to put on his shoes. He continued playing for three minutes and responded after I repeated the direction and touched his shoulder."

Your first thought tells you how the moment felt.

The camera view gives you more information. Both matter. Your feelings tell you something important. Your objective observations provide valuable information also. In other installments of this blog, we will move into how you can use those observations in practical ways. For now, just begin to notice.

This is called "observational distance" and it can be an effective tool to learn. It not only helps you develop an objective, realistic view of what your child is doing but also provides tools for emotional regulation and co-regulation and understanding behavior triggers.

If you want to read more on distancing from a psych professional, check this resource here.

Don't Add More To Your Plate: A Simple Way to Begin: Just Notice.

This is not about turning your home into a classroom. It is not about creating more work, identifying problems or finding solutions. It is simply about noticing.

A small notebook or note app on your phone is an effective tool to record what you notice. Perfection is not the goal here. Starting to notice what you notice without judgement is the goal.

Write:

My first reaction:

"He was not trying."

Then pause to ask:

What would a camera see?

"He started the assignment but stopped when the directions changed."

That small pause creates space for curiosity.

Over time, you may begin noticing what helps your child succeed, what makes things harder, and where skills show up more easily. Again, those ideas will be expanded on in other installments of this 4-part series.

You do not need to solve anything today. The first step is simply learning to see.

An Invitation to Start Small

This week, choose one ordinary moment.

Not the hardest moment. Not a moment when everyone is already overwhelmed. Just one moment to find your curiosity. Notice something your child does or expresses.

Ask:

“What did I feel and see?”

Then pause and ask:

"What would a camera see?"

Write down:

1. What happened?

2. What was my first reaction?

3. What else do I notice?

That is all. You are not trying to become an expert. You are not trying to collect information. You are learning to understand your child more clearly.

Every child is more than a worksheet, a report, or one difficult moment, and the everyday moments you notice are where the bigger picture begins. This is the superpower of being a parent.

In the other installments of this series, The Most Powerful Tool You Already Have, we will discuss how to develop those observations into more of a habit, how tracking those observations can spot patters of learning, need or support and, finally, how to translate that into information useful to help direct your child’s educational planning. The time you spend with your child and the connection you have with them really is the most powerful tool you already have.

Connect

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Email

Shannon.efteland@gmail.com

The information on this website is provided for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as legal advice. While I strive to provide accurate and current information the laws, regulations, and school district practices may change. Use of this website does not create an advocate-client relationship.

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